For *those that have just lost their keys *those that are well-versed *inebriated ones *wanderers *mermaids *those that belong elsewhere *whippersnappers *marvelous ones *those that are not included in this classification *those that flutter because the moment is fleeting *boundless ones *those colored with slippery fingerpaint *others *those that resemble someone I know from a distance

Monday, September 12, 2005

For some reason this reminds me of junior high. Without the ostracism.

I never thought I would write one of those "Oh, we were so drunk that a bunch of stupid shit seemed really funny the next day" posts, but here it is.

So, in the past 48 hours I have had the opportunity to Drink for Friendship and to Drink for Science. And I gotta say, strangely enough, that drinking for science is better. Drinking for science is superior mainly because of science's penchant for controlling things (Freudians, insert comment about science's overbearing mother and traumatic toilet training here). Controlling for this, controlling for that, controlling for everything under the sun. Normally I can control myself when drinking, but Saturday night was clearly the exception. So, in the name of science, I have decided to make a list enumerating why drinking for science is somewhat superior to drinking for friendship. Now I know lists in and of themselves are not scientific, but they are at least scintillatingly left-brained. So, without further ado, except for the ado of this sentence, we turn to...

Pros of Drinking for Science
1. Well, the obvious... drinking for science is free. Otherwise, you only get free drinks when stunned boys flutter wonderstruck around your blond friend (who is so hot she has men hitting on her within minutes of entering a gay bar) like moths to a Barbie doll. (I am pretty sure there is some kind-of misplaced modifier or other grammatical mishap in that last sentence, but damnit, I really wanted to write "moths to a Barbie doll").
2. You can be drunk in the late afternoon, sun shining happily outside, tra-la-la, and, here's the important part, all while 100 feet from your office. Drunk during the day at work? And your supervisor approves? Ahh, sweet Drinking for Science, you are a mysterious creature, with a soft underbelly and even softer eyes. How I love you...
3. You have scientific proof that you are the drunkest person in the room. It is best to announce this to the room every ten minutes or so, just to make sure everyone appreciates this fact as much as you do.
4. You learn exactly what .08 BAC feels like. Unfortunately .08 BAC makes you feel like if you chilled out and smoked a couple of cigarettes you could drive home. Luckily, science would never let you do that.
5. Science does not let you switch from whiskey sours to vodka and cranberry at 1 am. Similarly, science does not let you drink the vodka and cranberry three times as fast as the whiskey sours. Damn Drinking for Friendship, you capricious shiv-wielding slattern. Your profile burns.
6. Science doesn't let half of your friends suddenly disappear into a white PT Cruiser taxi at 2:30 in the morning, leaving the drunkest of the party to wander aimlessly down the street accompanied by random guys you don't know but who seem very nice.
7. You know where your car is. You know how you got to your car.
8. You don't have to weigh the pros and cons of making yourself vomit in the restroom of the 24-hour diner. Why the hell is there only one stall anyway? Don't 24-hour diners cater to drunk people? DRUNK PEOPLE NEED MULTIPLE STALLS.
9. Science has you safely home at 8pm and in bed at 10pm. Shiv-wielding slattern throws you out of the car at 4 in the morning.
10. Science doesn't let you call your meditation teacher at 4 am. That's right, I basically drunk-dialed my meditation teacher.
11. No. Torturous. Hangover. The importance of this cannot be overstated.

Pros of Drinking for Friendship
1. No one makes you wear a nametag. But the option of making one and forcing your friends to call you Brunhilda, Rupert or Thor still exists.
2. Spanking! Cleavage touching! Pictures!
3. I consider the ability to end every sentence with "bitch" a pro of Drinking for Friendship. Go ahead and disagree, bitch.
4. Running through fountains with cute strangers.
5. Even though the crippling headache the next morning is officially a con of Drinking for Friendship, it somehow leads to startling insights about life. Many of these revolve around your cat and how messy your bedroom is. This is probably because they are the only things you can see from your bed.
6. You get to leave exceedingly clever comments on Myspace the next day. The satisfaction this brings cannot be overstated.
7. Friendship, bonding, good times, etc....

Sadly, drinking for science is the clear winner. Poor drinking for friendship. At least I got to say "Happy birthday, Laura!"

Also, I have no memory of the above picture being taken. I am drunk girl #3.

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Blogger jerome said...


I like your approach to the subject!

So for what reason did you got to drink for science?

4:22 AM

Blogger Asterisk 8 said...

I'm a research coordinator and a study examining the effects of alcohol was running a pilot session to train new research assistants. They needed volunteers for the pilot session and I said, "Well, if it's for science..."

3:30 PM


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