If I can't figure it out, science doesn't stand a chance.

Not only am I too smart to ever get married, but even Science (or, most probably, science) has no idea who the hell I should date.

Here's the deal - I've been weirdly hypnotized by the eHarmony commercials, watching all these swooning couples talk about how they fell truly, madly, deeply in love as soon as they laid eyes upon one another because eHarmony did such an damn-fine, ass-spankingly good job matching them. So has my friend Laura, who, God love her, has been baking heart shaped cookies and painting things pink and just generally feeling hopfeul about this whole mysterious thing called Love. She logged on to eHarmony, did the free profile, saw some of her matches, and was considering shelling out the buckaroos to learn more. As her friend said "Can you really put a price on true love?" Well, eHarmony has and apparently it is $240 a year.

Being bored at work today, I logged on to their website, spent 30 minutes agonzing over how obstreperous, charming and intellectual I am, and, after an exhausting amount of self-disclosure, ended up at the page entitled "Unable to Match You." In their words, "Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched." Apparently, I am one of those rare creatures - the Unmatchable.

Once again, I have been right this entire time. There is NO ONE out there for me.

I can't wait to tell my therapist.