a secret in 4 parts

1.1 here's the secret
in your absence my love turns into green apples
i imagine eating them with you
under the trees

2.1 i left the bar when it was raining
down the stairs, into the night
except...
everything turned into poetry
tom waits was playing
i smoked under the christmas lights
thinking about unrequited love

3.1 here's the secret
i don't miss you anymore

2.2 it's been raining since you left

1.2 there are no apples

4.1 i don't miss you anymore

2.3 um, I don't even know you?

0.1 when i am with you, the air i breath turns into bone

3.1.1 but...

2.4 the romantic and the cynic have been battling since we met
even the cynic wants to throw the game
lose spectacularly

0.2 we all carry the past within us
in the crook of our dendrites
in the lines of our palms
in our bones

1.3 here's the secret
there are apples when you touch me

4.1.1 i will always miss you

4.2 you understand the beauty of the perfect moment

2.5 i loved you at first sight (more or less)

2.5.1 a secret i try to keep from myself

3.2 i loved you when you told me "this is what a pecan a tree smells like"

4.3 i loved you at first sight (more or less)

1.4 i will never know when I first loved you

0.3 everything turns into the beating of blood
everything turns into poetry
everything turns

0.4 here's the not-very-well-kept secret
I confuse dreams with reality

0.4.1 because i am human

1.5 thank you

4.4 thank you

Really?

I don't know why your name still beats in my brain. Maybe I should stop fighting it?

Why won't the drunken poetry let me go to sleep?

i've never written about you

we meet elsewhere
in the marrow of my pelvis
in silence
icebergs touching under the surface

you and i
the trembling of birds
stunned
held in the palms of a savior
human

youarethebirdiamthepalm
iamthebirdyouarethepalm
hollow bones hollow bones
resting

with you i can close my eyes
with you i can rest
with you there are no words
only the whisper of iceberg to iceberg

to write about you i have to be still
keep you inside of me like a secret

~

even though i can't sleep
you come to me in my dreams

in my dreams
we never speak

How I Roll, Part II

8:30PM Began driving home from San Antonio
8:50PM Had a lovely moment where all my worries melted away and I was just driving
8:54PM Wondered if this is what you feel like sometimes when you drive
8:55PM Liked you
8:56PM Thought about you
8:58PM Wanted to share this with you, but was then uncertain as to my motives and decided against it
9:00PM Wondered if all my "craziness" was simply the result of having a brain/mind. Decided a lot of it was. Was unhappy.
9:10PM Wondered if life could be different
9:44PM Made it home
10:55PM Fell asleep on the couch
5:00AM Woke up. Worried about not being able to fall back asleep, or falling back asleep, not waking up, and then being late for work
5:05AM Moved to bed
5:17AM Started to feel cozy and delicious under my covers, in the dark. Let my mind wander
5:30AM Remembered how beautiful you were the other night.
5:32AM Missed you
5:33AM Missed you, missed you, missed you
5:43AM Began the fabulous process of thinking too damn much. Topics included: the meaning of being human, submission and dominance, ways energy is exchanged, sex and my various feelings about sex, how much I am screwed up because of my family, codependence, how much everyone is screwed up because of their families, narcissism, how much I am screwed up because of my last relationship and how this pisses me off, what it means to "use" another person, and whether anyone has any chance whatsoever of actually and truthfully relating to one another
6:29AM Wished I wasn't terrified
6:30AM Smoked a cigarette
6:35AM Looked at the moon
6:37AM Wrote this
8:05AM Was only five minutes late for work, which is almost like being on time

Drunken blogging is 157% better than any other blogging subtype.

Should I write about how we are symbols to one another? About how I cannot even see you because of the meaning and history layered between us? Should I write about how I want to saw open my chest and let hundreds of birds fly towards the light? Or should I write about how your fingertips find every sore spot on my body, spots I didn't even know existed, and rub them away.